Costa Rica & Running Away

After a promotion at work, my dad passing away, dealing with some family struggles, figuring out a tumultuous relationship, getting myself neck deep into an interesting, frustrating situation, and pining away for a land other than my own, I flew off to Costa Rica.

It was beautiful--it was everything I wanted. Volcanoes, waterfalls, adventures.

I returned even more exhausted than when I left, but it was a beautiful exhaustion. The one that says, "Yeah, I did ALL of that. I took every opportunity. And it was life-changing."

I'm back now, and I thought going to another country would quell the want to travel, but if anything, the wanderlust has quadrupled.

Have you ever run off in search of something and come back to find, even though the adventure was grand, you were really just running away?

Image was taken at the Waterfall Gardens in Costa Rica

On being in a million places at once.

I always post with the best of intentions.

I'm going to post weekly, I tell myself. I'm going to keep up with what's going on around me, I say.

And then two months later, I realize that time has passed, and I haven't made any effort to post. I try to read blogs every couple of weeks, but I never comment or post. Mostly because I'm trying to cram so much into my day that I just don't have the time--or I just don't make the time for it.

Part of it is because my internet life is spread out across so many different networks.

deviantART, first, since this is my job. I love it--I spend 8 hours a day helpdesking there, and I try to keep my journals and submissions recent/relevant.

Twitter, second, since it's the quickest, easiest way for me to send and receive information, pictures, quotes, thoughts.

tumblr, third. The pictures are inspiring, and I often go there to share others stuff on one blog and then share my own on another.

This blog is last. After all of that. After facebook. Mostly because I'm all out of words by the end of the day. And then because I'm intimidated by all of you. All of you amazing readers and writers. Everyone has so many amazing stories, and I don't want to post things that I've recycled from elsewhere.

I'm going to make a concentrated effort to at least comment. Even if this blog looks stale, at least I'll be able to interact with you all.

<3 Thanks for hanging around. You guys are great.

How do you handle/balance social networking? How do you balance the writing you do in your regular life and the writing you do in your blogs and social networking?

I bought a juicer.

Oh man.

What did I get myself into? After watching Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead, we've invested in a Cuisinart juicer. I've been slowly getting into it the last three days, and even though I'm not exclusively juicing, I'm incredibly cranky.

America, what have you done to us? Or... what have I done to myself?

I'm a food addict.

Not just any food, either. All of the foods that aren't good for me. The fast foods, the processed foods, the easy foods. I've been doing a great job cooking at home and making sure that I know what's going in my body, but when I'm at work or when I'm snacking... forget about it.

A dialogue from yesterday while driving in the car:

George (my fiance): ... if we just list the things on Craigslist, we can put that money towards a new bedroom set.

Me: Yep.

George: We'll clean the house, and you can take pictures.

Me: Oooh! In-N-Out. They have hamburgers. And fries.

George: ...

Me: ...

George: You know. The funny thing about you juicing is that you want to eat things you would never normally want.

Me: ... Mashed potatoes. Yams. We have leftovers from Thanksgiving.

George: ...

Me: Uh. I mean. Yeah! You're right! Isn't it weird. It's like I'm suffering from withdrawals or something.



It happened like that for the rest of the day. Even if I had the juice in hand or if I was munching on the veggies, I couldn't help but think how amazing something greasy and fatty would taste. It drove me crazy. The amazing thing is that I LOVE fruits and vegetables, but just the thought of not letting myself touch something from a package or a fast food restaurant... dfjkhdsfhksjh.

I don't know how seriously I'm taking this juicing thing. I'm not going to do 60 days of juice only--I'm not ready for that kind of commitment--but maybe 5 days is good. We'll see how I feel in a few days.

Cheers!

How do you choose what to post about?

If I had a donut for every time I open up this blog post page and start and then close it, the entire office at work would either love or hate me for dumping plates of them in the kitchen.

When I started the blog, I don't even know what I was thinking. I think I just wanted to use it to connect with other writers and build friendships. I never thought I had much to say on any subject, and if I was writing, it was either for support tickets (for my job), my journal at deviantART, or my book.

After all of that, what is there left to say?

I want to write about writing, but so many people write about writing. What could I possibly say that hasn't been said before?

I want to write about my life, but why? Why not use my private journal for that?

It would be great to start using this journal to talk about something meaningful, but I guess if I have to try this hard, I need to reevaluate it's purpose.

How do you choose what to post about? Are there things you won't blog about?

<3 Love you all!

Two months.

I've been writing so much lately, but I can't seem to stop.

When I got sick, it seemed like everything froze and being stuck in bed with nothing to distract me made me want to write faster.

It's been good.

It's been difficult as well.

Two months since my father passed. I hate saying 'passed.' Two months since he died. Kicked the bucket.

Some days I forget entirely but still have that lingering uncertainty as though something just isn't right.

And some days, everything makes me cry.

I want to believe I was my father's biggest supporter. I want to believe that I still cared for him, cooked for him, believed in him even though I received treatment I didn't deserve.

I'm not angry or bitter.

I just feel like in those movies. It's true. You do ask yourself, "What if things had been different?" Or "What if I had done more?"

And my result is always the same. He would still be who he was. A stubborn man who didn't want anyone's help even though his actions screamed for it.

I want to write here more often, but I'm afraid it won't be about writing. Or maybe it will be. I don't know.

How can life be so happy and so... dismantling at the same time?

I am humble, life. And I will continue to be grateful for everything I'm given, and I will continue to give. I will be optimistic. I will enjoy my life even when some days don't seem worth getting out of bed for.

That's the lesson, right? Live my life.

I am humble, life.

Writing and publishing dreams--what's yours?

I tried to write this blog earlier, but I got caught up in an early online meeting and then had to pack up for work. The thought sat in my browser all day. Finally.

My mornings include waking up early, trying to squeeze out some words before work, and reading author/agent/editor blogs. I forgot how nice it is to have a routine and completely immerse myself in writing/publishing news.

I read this blog by Rachelle Gardner, and even though I don't know much, I've learned a lot in the three years I've been doing this whole sitting and reading thing. Publishing is serious business, and it's really easy to get caught up in the beginning stages. Maybe people have a hard time looking past writing because they are afraid they might never make it.

While it is important, it got me springing off tangents and finally wondering what my dream actually is. And as I sat here wondering about my dreams, I wondered about yours.

I want to be able to wake up early and walk outside. Smell forest, nature, pine, water. I want to have a cup of coffee, and I want to sit at my designated writing table. That might double as a kitchen table. Or a dining table. Or a patio table. I want to close my eyes and take in the moment. Breathe. Relax. And write. And know that, for at least the present, writing is my goal. Storytelling is my goal.

Publishing is wonderful. I want my books in print. I want millions of readers. I want all of that. But I also want that one moment of peace.

What are your writing dreams? What are your publishing dreams?

So much writing.

This is good. All of this writing I'm doing.

I think.

Since my father passed, I've gone into writing overload. I don't know if it's healthy for me to be writing so much, but I think if I'm eating enough and sleeping enough...

Ah, well. Gonna keep writing and see what happens.

How are your stories coming along?


<3